Back at my dear blog again. Both me and you.

I purposely left my blog outdated. Well, to be honest I purposely leave it outdated whenever there is a very meaningful blog before it. I need to give it time for other people to come see it, to share with them on how meaningful/important/touching a certain blog it. That's why I did so.

But anyway, I received some feedbacks from some of my friends about my blog. They kept wondering about something. Blogs are supposed for a person to express themselves and their feelings, right? In other words, there isn't much need to purposely show others about your blog, since it's something personal. But why does JY aka Jonathan insist in showing off his blog address to other people, wanting them to come to his blog? What's so damn special about A Shade from the Dusk anyway?

Well, all I can say is that the reason I want to 'show off' my blog to everyone else is because I want to SHARE it with them. Not just my personal feelings. But some blogs I type are really useful for you guys, so by sharing them, I hope you all won't miss a good chance to change your mind about some of the smallest yet most important matters in the world and your life. I believe by just taking your little while over here, you may be able to change your mind a little. But of course, I'll try to shorten them if possible. >__<

Come back here after a few days, I'll be making a blog against Malaysian's race-discrimination. To those who still are not convinced, let me say this: "If you think that's not my intention, just assume that I purposely gain everyone's attention la. But what matters now is: all feedbacks and rejections about my actions are denied. =p

For my beloved grandmother, who left our world towards a better place at the ripe age of 93. May all our wishes and prayers reach to her.

I love you. Ever since I knew you, we had loved and cared for one another for so long. After you left us, I have never felt so much love towards you before. In fact, I realized that I love you so much that it's so hard to say goodbye to you...

You represent the entire grandmother-grandfather generation to me. Whenever people mention to me about my grandparents, you will be the first one to pop up in my mind.I remember a long time ago, when I was just a little kid, you would always hug me and carry me around the house, stroke me on the cheek when I was sad or cute. What I remember the most is when you always prepared 6 peanut-butter spread biscuits on a red plate and serve it to me. I can recall how sweet you smiled when you see me happily and hungrily eat up all of it. You didn't mind whether I gave you some or not. All that matters to you was that your dear grandson can eat the biscuits with joy. As long as that is true, you will be happy.

You are also very protective to me. Till this day, I still cannot forgive and forget what I had done to you. When I was 10 and you were 82, I remembered storming into the house angrily with a the house keys on my hand. At that moment, my mum was scolding me for being so naughty to steal the keys and walking far from home. I entered the house, only to hear you saying that "Why are you such a bad boy?". I do not know why, perhaps too furious till I lost you mind, I threw the metal keys right towards your head. Immediately, both my parents were outraged, as they separately took their beating canes and whacked the hell out of me. Suddenly, after stroking the painful part of your forehead, you said "Please stop beating him. Forgive him. It's nothing! I do not feel any pain at all." That time, I didn't feel anything from those words. Until today, I feel the pain deep in my heart and I regret so much of what I had done. How could a grandson do such unforgivable things to his grandmother? But I could never understand: how could a grandmother forgive her grandson even though he did something so unforgivable towards her?

Those hours, days and weeks where you keep working hard at the garden, planting all those vegetables for us to eat. Although you're so old, but you still worked so hard. Seeing you touch your back due to pain, I could not stop wondering what keeps you going on for so long. When I asked you, then I realized that you're 88 years old already. But you said, "It's nothing! It's so boring sitting in the house. At least planting some things for you to eat during dinner is fine for me!" Then I realized: although you're old with your wrinkly skin, you have so much stamina in you. During those times, we will always stay together happily, play cards together, watch TV and laugh together, sleep on the same bed, stay outside the house, sharing the same bright sun......but you shown no sign of fatigue or unwillingness. You loved me, played with me and cared for me with no request of repaying our debts ever since I was a baby, till I was a kid, a teenager...

Then, by the year of 2005, everything changed. You were diagnosed with Hepatitis B. Doctors said that your salliva can never contact with our mouths or we'll get infected as well. From that day onwards, I felt as if so many bonds between us had broken apart. We could not share the same plate or meal anymore. We could not share the same utensils anymore. We couldn't even share the same seat anymore. Due to that, you've grown weaker. You will sleep more than work. We no longer see you working outside at the gardens. I felt so isolated from you after your unfortunate diagnosis. You may had suffered a lot because we kept isolating ourselves from you; you may had suffered from not being able to control when to shit, shitting instantly after meals; you may had suffered the life of wearing diapers... but you stayed strong. You showed no sign of giving up your life, always going on with your life. When I asked you, "Are you okay, granny?" You would just scold me, "I'm fine. Go away. Don't worry about me." I did not know whether you really were okay, or you did not want me to see you suffer.

Time passed. Your body was growing weaker and skinnier. You no longer walked around the house and watch TV with us. Every time, after every meal, you would just walk back to bed and sleep till the next meal. Your life was only bound to eat and sleep. At the moment, I did not know how much pain you had tolerated and suffered. As a grandson, I am in guilt, because I did not take care of you when you're in pain. While I'm in pain, you would always care for me. But when I was around 17-18, I preferred playing my games over taking care of you. I couldn't believe how terrible I was as a grandson. But you would always look at me while giving me a weak smile, saying "Go play your games then, don't worry about me." I can't believe how my computer addiction can lead to my negligence towards you, what's worse of all, I can't believe how you didn't mind at all and forgiving me all the time, without me knowing it! Doctors even said they she may not last any longer from that time, but how the hell can I still ignore you!!

By the year 2008, you were still with us, at that time I was ready to leave for my college life. Before I left, you cried so much and hugged me so tight till my ribs seemed to get crushed. For the first time in my life, I truly felt someone crying for me. All her pure tears flowing out from her small wrinkled eyes, just for me. It is then I finally realized, how much I had meant to her... how much she had loved me... how much longer she wanted to be with me, in hopes that I'll never leave... in hopes that time would stop, just for a few minutes so we can rejoice together happily... At that moment, I nearly stopped myself from leaving home. Around May, I returned. She was so overjoyed to see me return, she gave me the same rib-crushing hug. We talked and laughed again, just like the old times. After my holidays, before leaving for the airport, you would cry again, giving me the same old rib-crushing hug, making me reluctant to return to KL, again and again.

Ever since my last return at 4th December 2008, during 5th December 2008 was one of the most unforgetable moment in my life. It was also the reason why I didn't go out with my friends. When I met Granny on her cozy bed in our house, she wasn't even getting up from bed anymore. I went over and pulled her up. Suddenly, she yelled in pain. Her spine was aching badly. She seemed unable to get out of bed anymore due to her deteriorating condition. I kept encouraging her, "Never mind, po-po. Let's try a different way." But no matter how I tried to get her up, she'll yell in pain. I did not want her to feel pain, so I let go of her. There was no way she could get up. My eyesight was getting watery, I thought, "Is granny unable to get up forever?" Suddenly, my grandma started to laugh. As she laughed, her grin became sour as tears started to flow from her eyes. She knew - she is getting older and weaker. Is granny crying because she felt as if she's about to die? I convinced her not to think so much and keep focusing on getting out of bed. Then, she gripped my arm tight and started to move her mouth. "I'm feeling so bad right now..." We were staring at each other for that long moment, feeling her flowing tears. I was controlling myself not to cry, until she said, "I feel so bad... my grandson is suffering because of me..."

She... at times like these, still thinks about me...

At February 14, 2009, all Granny did was just lying down on he cozy bed with a maid besides her should anything goes wrong. Before leaving home, I went over to see Granny. She was sleeping. I called her repeatingly. "Po-po.... po-po..." She struggled to open her eyes, as I saw her eyes staring at me weakly, I said, "I'll be going back to KL! So, you better take care of yourself, okay?" She didn't reply to me at all. I had no idea whether she no longer knew how to reply me, or she purposely ignored me. I whispered at her ears. "Thanks for taking care of me for so long. I will never forget what you had done for me. As your dear grandson, I thank you for being my beloved, cheerful, once hyperactive grandmother."

"I love you grandma, and I'll love you always."

She still didn't give any reaction, my tears were starting to flow like crazy, so I forced myself to leave. As I said goodbye to granny, she said the last words to me, words so meaningful and touching in my life, that they carved themselves right into my heart. She mumbled:

"Study hard."

At March 3, 2009, 3pm, she finally rested in peace, at her own cozy bed. When I received the words from my sister, I felt cool, although my sister was crying as she informed me the news. After putting down the phone, I left my unit and stared up at the sky. It started to rain lightly with a cold breeze of wind. As I gazed up, tiny raindrops landed on my entire face, making it wet, but it no longer matters. I closed my eyes and smiled. "Granny, thanks for being my grandmother for so long. I will never forget whatever you've done for me. I promise you - I'll study hard amd I won't let everyone down!"

At that point where raindrops and tears mixed on my face, I felt as if granny was smiling at me, slowly stroking my cheek with her warm hand...

My sister and I returned home at March 4, 2009 to attend her funeral at March 5, 2009. At Telipok, she finally found her resting place. She was the one who made me realized, how strong my conditional love was, how deep her unconditional love is to me...

Grandma, thank you, I'm sorry, and I love you. I always will. =)

To Live

Imagine having a life against the natural flow of aging. To make things sound more easier to understand, it's something like you're born physically old and as times pass by, you'll get younger and younger, while everyone else is getting older and older. What would a life like this be?

This one miracle guy answers them all in the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". Starring Brad Pitt, this is a story about a human being born as an old man. Physically old but mentally young. As Benjamin slowly grows up, he becomes younger every day. Healed from broken bones and being crippled, Benjamin's situation can only be explained as God's miracle, nothing else. The story continues about Benjamin's story from getting old to growing young. Enjoy it if you are interested in it. =)

After seeing the movie, I was very deep in thoughts. While seeing the movie, I feel a great sense of sadness within me. Nobody wants to grow old. While you're young, you can walk, run and jump up high, full of energy and enthusiasm. As you start aging, you'll begin to get disease and your body gets weaker. You get osteoperosis easier, organ failures, fatigue. At some point, you can't even run normal anymore. It's life. People get old one day and it hurts to imagine then decades from today, you may not be able to walk or move as lively as you can anymore. You feel like appreciating everything while you're young, but you just can't do so because your life is not at its highest peak. In the end, when your life is at its fullest, you may not be energetic enough to enjoy it...

About aging, that reminds me of accepting death. It really hurts to see someone you truly love leave you . Of course, they'll remain in your heart, that's what you'll say, but just imagine, whenever you thought of that person, there's a burning feeling within you to urge yourself to meet that person, to talk to that person, to stay with that person for just a little while, to feel that sense of warmth and happiness with the company of that loved one, which can no longer be with you......

Well, that's all I can say about the movie, don't know what else to type. So well, as a conclusion, I feel afraid of getting old and dying, but well, the only thing we can all do now is wait and appreciate what we have now, don't you think? ^ ^

To think that life is full of choices, whereby each and every step you take counts in determining your future. Some stepped right into a pit, never coming out of it; some stepping on a staircase, gradually ascending to reach for the stars; while some may just step on the pavement full of rocks and dungs, dodging them along the way. I just realized that life is whatever you made up of it from. So yeah, live the way you want your life to be. I've been saying that for a lot of times now. XD

Anyway, I'm now at a place in my college called "The Learning Center" (TLC), currently typing on a public computer out of boredom. Right now, my lecturer will be coming soon to teach us about a degree subject: Data Structures and Abstractions. If you want to know how hard it'll be, just search up the meaning of Abstractions. I'll be making a new post about racist problem shortly....hope I won't offend like before....gotta start to stop simply using my feelings to assume.

Off I go then.

共勉之~

This blog is a tribute to 4 of my friends: Ice, Water, Rock & Gold. =)



人生的路 – 不管有多么艰难困苦, 都要勇敢地向前走.

这是我第二次使用华文来写我的blog. 当然, 一个像我这样的人突然间会以这种方法来表达自己的意思, 会有一点奇怪吧! 所以如果之中有任何语病, 请原谅! >__<

自从我回到沙巴的那一天, 我对人生改观了很多. 回来西马过后, 才发觉到自己的思想变了很多. 想当年, 我有很多不好的毛病, 使不少人对我有偏见. 至今, 想回去以前的‘我’时, 我觉得自己是有多么的好笑. 好吧, 就让我和你们分享我的缺点. 不好意思啦, 让我啰嗦一下!

以前的我, 是非常喜欢扮聪明的. 对于很多事物, 虽然我真的不懂, 但是我会扮知道, 因为不想被人看不起. 在里头, 我最后悔的一项就是自以为是. 在解决问题时, 我一直都会以自己的意思去处理, 更会随便判断对错. 直到一天, 有一个女孩和我讲心事, 说自己在选大学的方面,父母给她很大压力, 她觉得很辛苦. 我以为她暂时完全不想进大学, 也不敢告诉父母实话, 我便过去告诉她的父母亲. 之后, 她被父母责骂. 其实, 她完全没有埋怨, 更没有‘不想读大学’的念头. 就这样, 我少了一个朋友. 当时, 我反省了: 当一个人要处理任何问题时, 一定要理智, 不可以冲动, 要好好地思考最佳解决办法. 不仅如此, 倘若某个问题是牵涉到另一个人时. 不可以太主观, 偶尔也要考虑别人的感受和决定. 要尝试去知道另一方究竟想什么, 要什么. 这样一来, 会更容易把问题给解决.

然后, 我以前很难才能做好一个决定. 因为我很害怕做错决定, 使我后悔. 虽然我有了决定, 但是我很容易被别人影响. 只是从他们的嘴巴说出的几句话都已经足够来让我无法下定决心. 此外, 我也很害怕会得罪/伤害人, 所以自己不敢提出/发表我的意见和立场. 最后, 我的朋友都说我没有主见. 如果一个人时常因为怕得罪/伤害人, 或者是要随着别人的意思去做的话, 最辛苦的人, 始终都是自己… 所以我答应了自己要有主见, 坚持自己的立场.

之前, 我来KDU的时候, 一个朋友都没有. 因为觉得太孤独, 非常需要朋友, 把自己原本的性格掩盖了. 一个‘假’我形成了, 而这个‘假’我是为了要被别人欢喜, 接受而制造出来的. 当有了固定的好朋友后, 因为自己知道无论如何都会有这些好朋友在身边支持. 就这样, 自己真正的性格和态度将会显示出来. 所以, 找到了好朋友, 一个人不可以太得意忘形, 要时时刻刻看到自己, 以免露出不好的一面. 身为一个朋友, 我们都不想它发生吧…

最后, 如果从我妈妈身上学到一个道理, 那就是 “肯付出就不可在意”. 帮父母做工的时候, 我会在意父母会给我什么礼物/奖赏. 直到去年, 发觉自己和蔼可亲的妈妈照顾及爱护我了二十年, 她却没有要求任何回报. 世上的妈妈太伟大了. T.T 如果真心爱一个人的话, 就算为对方付出, 但对方不为你付出, 都不能介意, 埋怨.

好啦, 不啰嗦了. 就这样吧. 这些道理, 我好不容易才体会到, 所以我很想在这里和你们分享啦. 如果你遇到的境况就犹如我上述所说的一样的话, 就好好去看, 了解, 明白, 学习吧! 希望通过这些话, 能够帮助你们啦. 有任何得罪之处请多多包涵.

Thank you for your time!＾＾

People say that 14 February is Valentine's Day. Well, to me, there's something far more important about this day than Valentine's Day. I'm going back to college. Yep, time passes fast, 2 and a half months are gone. Like any regular Sabahan, he/she will definitely miss Sabah like hell and wishes not to leave anymore. In the end, he/she'll be back in KL. T.T

Other than that, I'm leaving my hometown, this time very worried and moody. There are some happenings that are beyond your control. What makes it worse is that these happenings are beyond your sight. Could this be good - to make you unable to see the bad happenings? Or just to keep me away from it?

As you'll know, I always imply on what I really want to say. Asides that, I'll always leave a hidden hint somewhere in any post that has me implying in it.

But anyway, I'm finally going back.


She's getting weaker....

Love

Once again, I lost track of updating my blog again. >__<

Coming back to KL on 14th feb, or Valentine's Day for some of you, I'm pretty sure only a few people will be travelling at that day, because I know plenty of people, specifically couples, will not prefer to have any minute of February 14 to be wasted on flights, do they? They must have reached their destinations already before that day, pack their schedules full for the day and for the night, have a hotel room booked for their "quality time". =3

Valentine's Day? Me? Will you really think that I'll have one? XD

Let's not get to that. Anyway, I know that right now I have no rights to argue or mention anything about love, because I'm so inexperienced, but to me, love is blissful and warm, but complicated and contradict(矛盾). Love comes and leaves beyond anyone's control and it's definitely not something to die for. Love is the remedy for single's starvation and the venom for depression. Some people try bravely without thinking about the consequences, while some others do not dare to go for it, due to being too cautious, remaining single all the time. I'm sure saying this would be quite sensitive to some of you, but please forgive me if I said anything wrong, don't forget I'm inexperienced. Haha!

After hearing many of my friends' experiences on love matters, I think: should I find a girl that I have feelings towards her and go for it? At first, I MAY HAVE FELL for this. Then, after redeeming myself, I realized that IF i really like a girl, I would not have the guts to go after her. You may say that this is a cowardly action, but to me, how can I possibly try and love or care for someone else, IF i can't even take care of my own self? It sounds funny, doesn't it? After I can manage and take care of myself, then I may consider... But perhaps by that moment I'll be single. T.T But as long as I'm concerned, I will not be thinking about love right now.

Once again, I hope you guys can share with us what you think about 'love' and anything else you like to. If you feel like commenting but don't know how, all you have to do is click the 'Comments' button below, wait for the pop-up, then type your comment and check the third tab of the identity section (Name/URL), you don't have to put a URL, just your name will do, click the "Publish Comment" button and you're done. Hopefully, I can get to hear the voices of you guys. =D

My words may be true at this moment, but who knows? Maybe one day a girl will rock my world upside down. If things and love are meant to bend that way, I may end up as someone's boyfriend through fate and time and there's nothing anybody can do about it. I won't think about love at all, but maybe after that I will all day. After that, whatever I mention above is referred to as 'crap' and 'nonsense'.

Being self contradictory? Me? My friend, love is contradict after all, isn't it? =)