Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Everything's just happening to me too soon and coincidently. It's like - everything is 'waiting' for me to come, just to make them happen. When I arrived, the specific situations happens, as if I'm the key in unlocking the main door. It's quite funny for this to be so coincident: One year ago, I'm standing in front of a door. The door opened. As I stepped through the door, the door magnificiently closed itself, so no one else can enter. Then, another door in the room I just stepped in opens, for me to keep going on.... door after door....

I've been walking through doors for my whole life... I've never sat down in any room to rest or at least - catch a breath before. Once I stepped into a room, another door opens. If I don't enter it, I'll stay stuck in the room forever. But, what if the path of doors lead me to even greater rooms? Or maybe - a miserable dead end? How would the path ends? Into luxury or into dust?

Just yesterday, a giant door opened in front of me. I'm hesitating whether I should step in it or not. This door appears once in a lifetime and I'm afraid - there's no turning back if I pass through this door....

Very confused... just like a dusty man with a rainbow key for a golden lock. But which door is the golden lock positioned at? What lies behind the door of the golden lock? Fortune or misfortune?

I'm in a dilemma now....

Let go to go...

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Earth Hour

I remembered saying that I want to make a blog about Malaysia's race discrimination, right? Right now, there's something that I'm more concerned about.

By 8.30pm - 9.30pm, our country will undergo the Earth Hour, whereby we're told to switch of all lights and electronic devices for one hour to SAVE the environment. Many people believe and many doesn't. Are you going to turn off your lights?

I understand why people ignore this. Because they don't care for the environment at all. They don't read the news or read the banners on the streets too.

I understand why people don't buy this. I quite agree with you guys. If I switch off my lights but others don't, why should I switch off then? Does it mean that at Earth Hour, all the Internet services, all the factories, Streamyx, Hotmail, telephone services, events... will ALL have to shutdown for that one hour JUST to make the world a better place? Do you really think they'll do it?

The world has faced much more worse conditions that even humans can't imagine. The Earth has survived for so many billion years. Living things can't withstand it, but Earth did! The Earth had overcome worse disasters than we knew, such as massive earthquakes, tsunami, tornadoes, volcano eruptions, meteor collisions, solarflares.... and all we can think about is saving plastics and switching off lights for one hour, believing that it can actually save the environment and make a difference?

I don't buy Earth Hour at all. It's not going to work. BUT, do you want to make a difference?

Do you want to be part of this big family of thoughtful people, working together to save what can be saved?

Do you want to choose a rightful stand and do what that is right, or supposed to be done, without seeing or judging others?

Or would you rather make no differences and remain the same old miserable you?

If you will change your mind, you had made a difference. By sharing with people about how you think, you may be able to change them. You can make a difference in them! They'll share your thoughts to them, changing others and eventually.... the whole world can be changed. All this can be caused because of you! Just a few simple words from you! Just imagine! How big can your power to make a difference be! So think about it, my friends!

For me, if you changed your perceptive after reading this, I had made a difference to you.
If you will switch off the lights, I had made more differences.
For I WILL switch off my lights and any other electronic devices. To make a difference in me and you.

Watch me. =)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Back at my dear blog again. Both me and you.

I purposely left my blog outdated. Well, to be honest I purposely leave it outdated whenever there is a very meaningful blog before it. I need to give it time for other people to come see it, to share with them on how meaningful/important/touching a certain blog it. That's why I did so.

But anyway, I received some feedbacks from some of my friends about my blog. They kept wondering about something. Blogs are supposed for a person to express themselves and their feelings, right? In other words, there isn't much need to purposely show others about your blog, since it's something personal. But why does JY aka Jonathan insist in showing off his blog address to other people, wanting them to come to his blog? What's so damn special about A Shade from the Dusk anyway?

Well, all I can say is that the reason I want to 'show off' my blog to everyone else is because I want to SHARE it with them. Not just my personal feelings. But some blogs I type are really useful for you guys, so by sharing them, I hope you all won't miss a good chance to change your mind about some of the smallest yet most important matters in the world and your life. I believe by just taking your little while over here, you may be able to change your mind a little. But of course, I'll try to shorten them if possible. >__<

Come back here after a few days, I'll be making a blog against Malaysian's race-discrimination. To those who still are not convinced, let me say this: "If you think that's not my intention, just assume that I purposely gain everyone's attention la. But what matters now is: all feedbacks and rejections about my actions are denied. =p

Friday, March 6, 2009

For my beloved grandmother, who left our world towards a better place at the ripe age of 93. May all our wishes and prayers reach to her.

I love you. Ever since I knew you, we had loved and cared for one another for so long. After you left us, I have never felt so much love towards you before. In fact, I realized that I love you so much that it's so hard to say goodbye to you...
You represent the entire grandmother-grandfather generation to me. Whenever people mention to me about my grandparents, you will be the first one to pop up in my mind.I remember a long time ago, when I was just a little kid, you would always hug me and carry me around the house, stroke me on the cheek when I was sad or cute. What I remember the most is when you always prepared 6 peanut-butter spread biscuits on a red plate and serve it to me. I can recall how sweet you smiled when you see me happily and hungrily eat up all of it. You didn't mind whether I gave you some or not. All that matters to you was that your dear grandson can eat the biscuits with joy. As long as that is true, you will be happy.

You are also very protective to me. Till this day, I still cannot forgive and forget what I had done to you. When I was 10 and you were 82, I remembered storming into the house angrily with a the house keys on my hand. At that moment, my mum was scolding me for being so naughty to steal the keys and walking far from home. I entered the house, only to hear you saying that "Why are you such a bad boy?". I do not know why, perhaps too furious till I lost you mind, I threw the metal keys right towards your head. Immediately, both my parents were outraged, as they separately took their beating canes and whacked the hell out of me. Suddenly, after stroking the painful part of your forehead, you said "Please stop beating him. Forgive him. It's nothing! I do not feel any pain at all." That time, I didn't feel anything from those words. Until today, I feel the pain deep in my heart and I regret so much of what I had done. How could a grandson do such unforgivable things to his grandmother? But I could never understand: how could a grandmother forgive her grandson even though he did something so unforgivable towards her?

Those hours, days and weeks where you keep working hard at the garden, planting all those vegetables for us to eat. Although you're so old, but you still worked so hard. Seeing you touch your back due to pain, I could not stop wondering what keeps you going on for so long. When I asked you, then I realized that you're 88 years old already. But you said, "It's nothing! It's so boring sitting in the house. At least planting some things for you to eat during dinner is fine for me!" Then I realized: although you're old with your wrinkly skin, you have so much stamina in you. During those times, we will always stay together happily, play cards together, watch TV and laugh together, sleep on the same bed, stay outside the house, sharing the same bright sun......but you shown no sign of fatigue or unwillingness. You loved me, played with me and cared for me with no request of repaying our debts ever since I was a baby, till I was a kid, a teenager...

Then, by the year of 2005, everything changed. You were diagnosed with Hepatitis B. Doctors said that your salliva can never contact with our mouths or we'll get infected as well. From that day onwards, I felt as if so many bonds between us had broken apart. We could not share the same plate or meal anymore. We could not share the same utensils anymore. We couldn't even share the same seat anymore. Due to that, you've grown weaker. You will sleep more than work. We no longer see you working outside at the gardens. I felt so isolated from you after your unfortunate diagnosis. You may had suffered a lot because we kept isolating ourselves from you; you may had suffered from not being able to control when to shit, shitting instantly after meals; you may had suffered the life of wearing diapers... but you stayed strong. You showed no sign of giving up your life, always going on with your life. When I asked you, "Are you okay, granny?" You would just scold me, "I'm fine. Go away. Don't worry about me." I did not know whether you really were okay, or you did not want me to see you suffer.

Time passed. Your body was growing weaker and skinnier. You no longer walked around the house and watch TV with us. Every time, after every meal, you would just walk back to bed and sleep till the next meal. Your life was only bound to eat and sleep. At the moment, I did not know how much pain you had tolerated and suffered. As a grandson, I am in guilt, because I did not take care of you when you're in pain. While I'm in pain, you would always care for me. But when I was around 17-18, I preferred playing my games over taking care of you. I couldn't believe how terrible I was as a grandson. But you would always look at me while giving me a weak smile, saying "Go play your games then, don't worry about me." I can't believe how my computer addiction can lead to my negligence towards you, what's worse of all, I can't believe how you didn't mind at all and forgiving me all the time, without me knowing it! Doctors even said they she may not last any longer from that time, but how the hell can I still ignore you!!

By the year 2008, you were still with us, at that time I was ready to leave for my college life. Before I left, you cried so much and hugged me so tight till my ribs seemed to get crushed. For the first time in my life, I truly felt someone crying for me. All her pure tears flowing out from her small wrinkled eyes, just for me. It is then I finally realized, how much I had meant to her... how much she had loved me... how much longer she wanted to be with me, in hopes that I'll never leave... in hopes that time would stop, just for a few minutes so we can rejoice together happily... At that moment, I nearly stopped myself from leaving home. Around May, I returned. She was so overjoyed to see me return, she gave me the same rib-crushing hug. We talked and laughed again, just like the old times. After my holidays, before leaving for the airport, you would cry again, giving me the same old rib-crushing hug, making me reluctant to return to KL, again and again.

Ever since my last return at 4th December 2008, during 5th December 2008 was one of the most unforgetable moment in my life. It was also the reason why I didn't go out with my friends. When I met Granny on her cozy bed in our house, she wasn't even getting up from bed anymore. I went over and pulled her up. Suddenly, she yelled in pain. Her spine was aching badly. She seemed unable to get out of bed anymore due to her deteriorating condition. I kept encouraging her, "Never mind, po-po. Let's try a different way." But no matter how I tried to get her up, she'll yell in pain. I did not want her to feel pain, so I let go of her. There was no way she could get up. My eyesight was getting watery, I thought, "Is granny unable to get up forever?" Suddenly, my grandma started to laugh. As she laughed, her grin became sour as tears started to flow from her eyes. She knew - she is getting older and weaker. Is granny crying because she felt as if she's about to die? I convinced her not to think so much and keep focusing on getting out of bed. Then, she gripped my arm tight and started to move her mouth. "I'm feeling so bad right now..." We were staring at each other for that long moment, feeling her flowing tears. I was controlling myself not to cry, until she said, "I feel so bad... my grandson is suffering because of me..."

She... at times like these, still thinks about me...

At February 14, 2009, all Granny did was just lying down on he cozy bed with a maid besides her should anything goes wrong. Before leaving home, I went over to see Granny. She was sleeping. I called her repeatingly. "Po-po.... po-po..." She struggled to open her eyes, as I saw her eyes staring at me weakly, I said, "I'll be going back to KL! So, you better take care of yourself, okay?" She didn't reply to me at all. I had no idea whether she no longer knew how to reply me, or she purposely ignored me. I whispered at her ears. "Thanks for taking care of me for so long. I will never forget what you had done for me. As your dear grandson, I thank you for being my beloved, cheerful, once hyperactive grandmother."

"I love you grandma, and I'll love you always."

She still didn't give any reaction, my tears were starting to flow like crazy, so I forced myself to leave. As I said goodbye to granny, she said the last words to me, words so meaningful and touching in my life, that they carved themselves right into my heart. She mumbled:

"Study hard."

At March 3, 2009, 3pm, she finally rested in peace, at her own cozy bed. When I received the words from my sister, I felt cool, although my sister was crying as she informed me the news. After putting down the phone, I left my unit and stared up at the sky. It started to rain lightly with a cold breeze of wind. As I gazed up, tiny raindrops landed on my entire face, making it wet, but it no longer matters. I closed my eyes and smiled. "Granny, thanks for being my grandmother for so long. I will never forget whatever you've done for me. I promise you - I'll study hard amd I won't let everyone down!"

At that point where raindrops and tears mixed on my face, I felt as if granny was smiling at me, slowly stroking my cheek with her warm hand...

My sister and I returned home at March 4, 2009 to attend her funeral at March 5, 2009. At Telipok, she finally found her resting place. She was the one who made me realized, how strong my conditional love was, how deep her unconditional love is to me...

Grandma, thank you, I'm sorry, and I love you. I always will. =)