Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The first few pages

My life is going great with each passing day. I meet new friends, new responsibilites, new experiences and more. I was occupied in writing down stuffs after stuffs into my book, going page after page, wanting to write more and more. I can't wait to see how the next page is going to be! I will keep writing!

Somehow, all of a sudden, my bold pen broke down. I have nothing to write on my book now. At this very moment, I felt.

This is not my style of writing.

I don't feel... myself walking through the pages.

Flipping through my life book, looking at the front pages, I asked myself, "Is this me? Is this who I am? Am I writing my real self into this book?" No... something is missing... someone is missing...

I am missing.

Where am I now? From which page did I start to leave myself behind?

Have you been calling me all the time? Have I been too busy writing the next pages ahead, until I hardly even take notice of you? Have I been neglecting you all these times, deceiving myself that I am who I am, when you're far behind crying out your heart for me to hear your voice?

Have I been rejecting you into my life?

I have not been honest with myself, with my feelings, with my guts, with my confidence. Where were all these, that I used to have before? Why are they gone? Is it because they have all been left behind, at a page behind me? Am I shaping myself into something I'm not?

"Leave everything to the Universe and let the Universe decide our path ahead." Have I been taking that as an excuse to cover up the fact that I'm scared of rejection and I fear taking risks?

This song seeps into me so much. No, it's not the name of the song that matters. It's just... the flow.

The flow that takes me back... to what I've written...

No matter. It ends as soon as it is realized. I'm sorry for leaving you behind. Now, I already got something to write on the book now. Time for me to continue writing my book.

This time, with myself.

Thank you for the pencil you have kept for me all these times.

1 comment:

son who lost her way said...

another awesome post which ngam ngam suit my situation too...lol.. but i guess i lost myself so much further behind with no direction where did i lost it.. haiz.. gonna find it bec.. but everything covered with a mist that i cant clearly find a way...