Prologue from the Announcement

Time.... sure waits for no man....

My KDU Friends during Roxanne's birthday

A lot of good events, activities and memories flow around my life ever since the day I entered my college life. Some happened expected, mostly unexpected. Think back then, I really can't believe how I had begun in college from zero to one. To make things sound better, I can't believe my friends had given the 'one' to me.

Kota Belud Camp Dec '08

At some point, you'll recgonize more and more people, widening and broadening your social network. Sometimes, you'll either know lecturers whom are decades older than you. Also kids and preteens years younger than you.

Hostel Break-in, Feb 'o9

But there are some times where you meet a lot of friends that you're dying to stick to them till the end of college life. Perhaps trying to graduate together with them and have one unforgetable memory in your life. Unfortunately, due to your given condition, you're unable to do so.

Cambodia Trip with family, Apr .09

When you know that time doesn't wait for your wishes anymore, all you can do is to appreciate all those friends and people around you. Do it while you still can, before you regret in the ends of life. Of course, there will be times where we stumble upon each other one day, but it's just a matter of time. Before that, be sure to cherish every moment you have and feel happy for the whole ride.

=)

Life's like that. Nothing is permanent. Not even life is. How can you expect anything to last long? All we can do is to expect everything to last WELL, SAFE and FINE. All the time. =)

THE CHOSEN KDU TEAM.... XD

Time waits for no man... Life dwells for no soul... No matter what happens, life must go on. Whether slowly or swiftly. The only things that can ease you or make you feel warm, blissful and happy - are those memories you had been fighting so hard to keep between you and those you are in contact with...

And now... after typing so much, when I think about it:

Life changed a lot for me... and I have changed a lot for life. I feel happy for who I am as well as what I have right now. And I feel fortunate about it. I am already mentally and spiritually prepared for what will come for me. Hence, by tomorrow, I'll announce something... that turning point... that fateful choice... that inevitable decision... But I have accepted it and - let time flow through me. =')

I don't expect anyone to catch this post before tomorrow... but well, you'll have a big clue on what I'm going to announce tomorrow, right? =)

Well, nothing much actually. Right now, since 13 April 2009, I am undergoing an intensive session, up to April 30, all with 8-hour classes for my subject ICT363 - Network Switching. At the day I post this, it's the 6th day of the intensive period. Right, and still counting. >__< So, I didn't have any time to go anywhere else in the Internet at all. Hence, I did not made any updates to my blog. Sorry about that.

- Anyway, yeah. I got my KDU scholarship. I got RM1,000 free from my RM8,000 fees. Apparently, the money is free for me to use anytime. But well, if I want to take it out, that's a different story. XD

- My Cambodia trip photos are up on Facebook! ^ ^ You can go check it and leave some comments too. I'll appreciate them all, good or bad.

- Yesterday, I visited Palm Spring Condominium, just 20 minutes away from my hostel by bus. Arnous, Mustafa and I were discussing about our ICT363 case study. Due to some doubts, we did nothing except for talking about other stuffs regarding ICT363 and the big 'plan'. That night, I ate dinner with them. Haha! We sat on the floor and 5 of us (2 more friends of them) ate fried rice with tomato pasta. Yes, vegetarians can eat it. The taste is good, perhaps that's the way Syrians cook their foods. That day was the first day in my life for eating dinner with international students. Will never forget that.

- Due to heavy traffic, I walked all the way from Palm Spring to my hostel. Took 42 minutes and 17 seconds. Hahaha, I know. I'm insane. =) But trying something new isn't a bad thing, as long as you stay constantly vigilant, right?

一个面试

哈哈... 我再次使用中文来打字，我想看写中文和英文的差别在哪．

今天, 我有了一个scholarship的面试．如果在这个采访里顺利过关的话，就可以拿到奖学金啦~　不过挺不容易的．因为这次拿奖学金的人非常多，所以学院必须使用淘汰的方法．原本面试日期是上个星期四的．我没办法出席，因为上个星期 我和家人一起去柬埔寨旅游．关于我的旅行，我要拿到照片才可以做blog．回到重点吧，我还以为interview的人只有我而已．当我 A&B 的时候，我竟然看到我以前的同学，她也是在今天interview．就这样，她先被面试．接着到我．一开始，他们问的问题都很容易回答．直到他们问一道问题为止．

＂为什么我们必须给你这个奖学金，而不是刚才那位女生呢？＂

难道，这个奖学金，不是我拿就是她拿吗？这么说，我们正在互相竞争！在这种情形而言，他们不是看你多么合理， 而是看你多么有自信可以胜过对方．是的，如果我说：＂各有各的才能，不能互相比较，要给谁就给谁，不由我来决定．＂的确很合理，很有道理，但是，你认为他们肯把奖学金交给你吗？如果在两个人之中，另一个人说：＂因为我相信我有能力做到，若我要拿每个科目满分我一定能够得到．我也有把握，在才能方面我能够战胜刚才的那个人．所以我应该得到这个奖学金．＂这个自私自利的回答，看起来很过分．就是这种自私但充满自信的答案，才能说服他们把奖学金给你呀！你可以选择追求奖学金的欲望而＂背刺＂对方；你也可以选择合理性的回答来救你的朋友．

你要那个奖学金吗？还是要给别人？

我很讨厌这种针对性的问题．我真的很讨厌！为什么人必须选择这种针对性的方式来得到利益？世界真的很现实，实在太现实了．要帮别人，就要害自己；要帮自己，就要害别人．最后，我给的回答，让我非常看不起自己．你都可以看不起我．因为，我很自私．

如果世界是现实的，人值得自私吗？

Everything's just happening to me too soon and coincidently. It's like - everything is 'waiting' for me to come, just to make them happen. When I arrived, the specific situations happens, as if I'm the key in unlocking the main door. It's quite funny for this to be so coincident: One year ago, I'm standing in front of a door. The door opened. As I stepped through the door, the door magnificiently closed itself, so no one else can enter. Then, another door in the room I just stepped in opens, for me to keep going on.... door after door....

I've been walking through doors for my whole life... I've never sat down in any room to rest or at least - catch a breath before. Once I stepped into a room, another door opens. If I don't enter it, I'll stay stuck in the room forever. But, what if the path of doors lead me to even greater rooms? Or maybe - a miserable dead end? How would the path ends? Into luxury or into dust?

Just yesterday, a giant door opened in front of me. I'm hesitating whether I should step in it or not. This door appears once in a lifetime and I'm afraid - there's no turning back if I pass through this door....

Very confused... just like a dusty man with a rainbow key for a golden lock. But which door is the golden lock positioned at? What lies behind the door of the golden lock? Fortune or misfortune?

I'm in a dilemma now....





Let go to go...

Earth Hour

I remembered saying that I want to make a blog about Malaysia's race discrimination, right? Right now, there's something that I'm more concerned about.

By 8.30pm - 9.30pm, our country will undergo the Earth Hour, whereby we're told to switch of all lights and electronic devices for one hour to SAVE the environment. Many people believe and many doesn't. Are you going to turn off your lights?

I understand why people ignore this. Because they don't care for the environment at all. They don't read the news or read the banners on the streets too.

I understand why people don't buy this. I quite agree with you guys. If I switch off my lights but others don't, why should I switch off then? Does it mean that at Earth Hour, all the Internet services, all the factories, Streamyx, Hotmail, telephone services, events... will ALL have to shutdown for that one hour JUST to make the world a better place? Do you really think they'll do it?

The world has faced much more worse conditions that even humans can't imagine. The Earth has survived for so many billion years. Living things can't withstand it, but Earth did! The Earth had overcome worse disasters than we knew, such as massive earthquakes, tsunami, tornadoes, volcano eruptions, meteor collisions, solarflares.... and all we can think about is saving plastics and switching off lights for one hour, believing that it can actually save the environment and make a difference?

I don't buy Earth Hour at all. It's not going to work. BUT, do you want to make a difference?

Do you want to be part of this big family of thoughtful people, working together to save what can be saved?

Do you want to choose a rightful stand and do what that is right, or supposed to be done, without seeing or judging others?

Or would you rather make no differences and remain the same old miserable you?

If you will change your mind, you had made a difference. By sharing with people about how you think, you may be able to change them. You can make a difference in them! They'll share your thoughts to them, changing others and eventually.... the whole world can be changed. All this can be caused because of you! Just a few simple words from you! Just imagine! How big can your power to make a difference be! So think about it, my friends!

For me, if you changed your perceptive after reading this, I had made a difference to you.
If you will switch off the lights, I had made more differences.
For I WILL switch off my lights and any other electronic devices. To make a difference in me and you.

Watch me. =)

Back at my dear blog again. Both me and you.

I purposely left my blog outdated. Well, to be honest I purposely leave it outdated whenever there is a very meaningful blog before it. I need to give it time for other people to come see it, to share with them on how meaningful/important/touching a certain blog it. That's why I did so.

But anyway, I received some feedbacks from some of my friends about my blog. They kept wondering about something. Blogs are supposed for a person to express themselves and their feelings, right? In other words, there isn't much need to purposely show others about your blog, since it's something personal. But why does JY aka Jonathan insist in showing off his blog address to other people, wanting them to come to his blog? What's so damn special about A Shade from the Dusk anyway?

Well, all I can say is that the reason I want to 'show off' my blog to everyone else is because I want to SHARE it with them. Not just my personal feelings. But some blogs I type are really useful for you guys, so by sharing them, I hope you all won't miss a good chance to change your mind about some of the smallest yet most important matters in the world and your life. I believe by just taking your little while over here, you may be able to change your mind a little. But of course, I'll try to shorten them if possible. >__<

Come back here after a few days, I'll be making a blog against Malaysian's race-discrimination. To those who still are not convinced, let me say this: "If you think that's not my intention, just assume that I purposely gain everyone's attention la. But what matters now is: all feedbacks and rejections about my actions are denied. =p

For my beloved grandmother, who left our world towards a better place at the ripe age of 93. May all our wishes and prayers reach to her.

I love you. Ever since I knew you, we had loved and cared for one another for so long. After you left us, I have never felt so much love towards you before. In fact, I realized that I love you so much that it's so hard to say goodbye to you...

You represent the entire grandmother-grandfather generation to me. Whenever people mention to me about my grandparents, you will be the first one to pop up in my mind.I remember a long time ago, when I was just a little kid, you would always hug me and carry me around the house, stroke me on the cheek when I was sad or cute. What I remember the most is when you always prepared 6 peanut-butter spread biscuits on a red plate and serve it to me. I can recall how sweet you smiled when you see me happily and hungrily eat up all of it. You didn't mind whether I gave you some or not. All that matters to you was that your dear grandson can eat the biscuits with joy. As long as that is true, you will be happy.

You are also very protective to me. Till this day, I still cannot forgive and forget what I had done to you. When I was 10 and you were 82, I remembered storming into the house angrily with a the house keys on my hand. At that moment, my mum was scolding me for being so naughty to steal the keys and walking far from home. I entered the house, only to hear you saying that "Why are you such a bad boy?". I do not know why, perhaps too furious till I lost you mind, I threw the metal keys right towards your head. Immediately, both my parents were outraged, as they separately took their beating canes and whacked the hell out of me. Suddenly, after stroking the painful part of your forehead, you said "Please stop beating him. Forgive him. It's nothing! I do not feel any pain at all." That time, I didn't feel anything from those words. Until today, I feel the pain deep in my heart and I regret so much of what I had done. How could a grandson do such unforgivable things to his grandmother? But I could never understand: how could a grandmother forgive her grandson even though he did something so unforgivable towards her?

Those hours, days and weeks where you keep working hard at the garden, planting all those vegetables for us to eat. Although you're so old, but you still worked so hard. Seeing you touch your back due to pain, I could not stop wondering what keeps you going on for so long. When I asked you, then I realized that you're 88 years old already. But you said, "It's nothing! It's so boring sitting in the house. At least planting some things for you to eat during dinner is fine for me!" Then I realized: although you're old with your wrinkly skin, you have so much stamina in you. During those times, we will always stay together happily, play cards together, watch TV and laugh together, sleep on the same bed, stay outside the house, sharing the same bright sun......but you shown no sign of fatigue or unwillingness. You loved me, played with me and cared for me with no request of repaying our debts ever since I was a baby, till I was a kid, a teenager...

Then, by the year of 2005, everything changed. You were diagnosed with Hepatitis B. Doctors said that your salliva can never contact with our mouths or we'll get infected as well. From that day onwards, I felt as if so many bonds between us had broken apart. We could not share the same plate or meal anymore. We could not share the same utensils anymore. We couldn't even share the same seat anymore. Due to that, you've grown weaker. You will sleep more than work. We no longer see you working outside at the gardens. I felt so isolated from you after your unfortunate diagnosis. You may had suffered a lot because we kept isolating ourselves from you; you may had suffered from not being able to control when to shit, shitting instantly after meals; you may had suffered the life of wearing diapers... but you stayed strong. You showed no sign of giving up your life, always going on with your life. When I asked you, "Are you okay, granny?" You would just scold me, "I'm fine. Go away. Don't worry about me." I did not know whether you really were okay, or you did not want me to see you suffer.

Time passed. Your body was growing weaker and skinnier. You no longer walked around the house and watch TV with us. Every time, after every meal, you would just walk back to bed and sleep till the next meal. Your life was only bound to eat and sleep. At the moment, I did not know how much pain you had tolerated and suffered. As a grandson, I am in guilt, because I did not take care of you when you're in pain. While I'm in pain, you would always care for me. But when I was around 17-18, I preferred playing my games over taking care of you. I couldn't believe how terrible I was as a grandson. But you would always look at me while giving me a weak smile, saying "Go play your games then, don't worry about me." I can't believe how my computer addiction can lead to my negligence towards you, what's worse of all, I can't believe how you didn't mind at all and forgiving me all the time, without me knowing it! Doctors even said they she may not last any longer from that time, but how the hell can I still ignore you!!

By the year 2008, you were still with us, at that time I was ready to leave for my college life. Before I left, you cried so much and hugged me so tight till my ribs seemed to get crushed. For the first time in my life, I truly felt someone crying for me. All her pure tears flowing out from her small wrinkled eyes, just for me. It is then I finally realized, how much I had meant to her... how much she had loved me... how much longer she wanted to be with me, in hopes that I'll never leave... in hopes that time would stop, just for a few minutes so we can rejoice together happily... At that moment, I nearly stopped myself from leaving home. Around May, I returned. She was so overjoyed to see me return, she gave me the same rib-crushing hug. We talked and laughed again, just like the old times. After my holidays, before leaving for the airport, you would cry again, giving me the same old rib-crushing hug, making me reluctant to return to KL, again and again.

Ever since my last return at 4th December 2008, during 5th December 2008 was one of the most unforgetable moment in my life. It was also the reason why I didn't go out with my friends. When I met Granny on her cozy bed in our house, she wasn't even getting up from bed anymore. I went over and pulled her up. Suddenly, she yelled in pain. Her spine was aching badly. She seemed unable to get out of bed anymore due to her deteriorating condition. I kept encouraging her, "Never mind, po-po. Let's try a different way." But no matter how I tried to get her up, she'll yell in pain. I did not want her to feel pain, so I let go of her. There was no way she could get up. My eyesight was getting watery, I thought, "Is granny unable to get up forever?" Suddenly, my grandma started to laugh. As she laughed, her grin became sour as tears started to flow from her eyes. She knew - she is getting older and weaker. Is granny crying because she felt as if she's about to die? I convinced her not to think so much and keep focusing on getting out of bed. Then, she gripped my arm tight and started to move her mouth. "I'm feeling so bad right now..." We were staring at each other for that long moment, feeling her flowing tears. I was controlling myself not to cry, until she said, "I feel so bad... my grandson is suffering because of me..."

She... at times like these, still thinks about me...

At February 14, 2009, all Granny did was just lying down on he cozy bed with a maid besides her should anything goes wrong. Before leaving home, I went over to see Granny. She was sleeping. I called her repeatingly. "Po-po.... po-po..." She struggled to open her eyes, as I saw her eyes staring at me weakly, I said, "I'll be going back to KL! So, you better take care of yourself, okay?" She didn't reply to me at all. I had no idea whether she no longer knew how to reply me, or she purposely ignored me. I whispered at her ears. "Thanks for taking care of me for so long. I will never forget what you had done for me. As your dear grandson, I thank you for being my beloved, cheerful, once hyperactive grandmother."

"I love you grandma, and I'll love you always."

She still didn't give any reaction, my tears were starting to flow like crazy, so I forced myself to leave. As I said goodbye to granny, she said the last words to me, words so meaningful and touching in my life, that they carved themselves right into my heart. She mumbled:

"Study hard."

At March 3, 2009, 3pm, she finally rested in peace, at her own cozy bed. When I received the words from my sister, I felt cool, although my sister was crying as she informed me the news. After putting down the phone, I left my unit and stared up at the sky. It started to rain lightly with a cold breeze of wind. As I gazed up, tiny raindrops landed on my entire face, making it wet, but it no longer matters. I closed my eyes and smiled. "Granny, thanks for being my grandmother for so long. I will never forget whatever you've done for me. I promise you - I'll study hard amd I won't let everyone down!"

At that point where raindrops and tears mixed on my face, I felt as if granny was smiling at me, slowly stroking my cheek with her warm hand...

My sister and I returned home at March 4, 2009 to attend her funeral at March 5, 2009. At Telipok, she finally found her resting place. She was the one who made me realized, how strong my conditional love was, how deep her unconditional love is to me...

Grandma, thank you, I'm sorry, and I love you. I always will. =)